Welcome to our lesson on problematic sexual behaviors
- In this section, you will learn
- How to tell the difference between healthy and problematic sexual behaviors
- Why children develop problematic sexual behaviors
- How you can help
Are all sexual behaviors problematic?
No! Curiosity and wanting to learn about your own and others’ bodies is completely normal. What is normal is different at different ages. For everyone, normal sexual curiosity and learning:
- Occurs between children who play together regularly and know each other well.
- Occurs between children of the same general age and physical size.
- Is spontaneous and unplanned.
- Does not happen often.
- Is voluntary, and none of the children are uncomfortable or upset.
- Ends easily when caregivers tell children to stop and explain privacy rules.
For parents: Learn more about normal behaviors and how to respond
What are normal sexual behaviors at different ages?
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Very young children want to know about everything. They look for differences between themselves and others. They want to know why some parts of their body have to be covered. They start to notice their private parts feel good when touched. Normal behaviors include:
- Touching their own private parts, in public and in private
- Rubbing their own private parts with a hand or against objects
- Showing their private parts to others
- Trying to touch their mother’s or other women’s breasts
- Removing clothes and wanting to be naked
- Trying to see other people when they are naked or undressing
- Asking questions about their own and others’ bodies
- Talking to children their own age about bodily functions such as “poop” and “pee”
Young children learn about the world through play and imitation. They want to know why they can’t say some words and why they can’t show some parts of their body. They like to feel good and might notice that touching their private parts feels good. Normal behaviors include:
- Touching their own private parts on purpose, occasionally in front of other people
- Trying to see other people when they are naked or undressing
- Mimicking dating behavior, such as kissing or holding hands
- Talking about private parts and using “naughty” words, even when they don’t know what they mean
- Exploring private parts with children their own age , like “playing doctor” or showing each other their private parts
School age children are usually curious about sex. They want to know more and seek out information. They might have crushes on other children and start to notice changes in their bodies. Normal sexual behaviors include:
- Purposefully touching their own private parts, usually in private
- Playing games with children their own age that involve sexual behavior, such as “truth or dare”, “playing family,” or “boyfriend/girlfriend”
- Trying to see other people naked or undressing
- Looking at pictures of naked or partially naked people
- Watching or listening to sexual content in television, movies, games, apps, music
- Wanting more privacy
- Not wanting to talk to adults about sexual issues
What types of sexual behaviors are problematic?
Problematic sexual behaviors are not a normal part of curiosity and growing up. They refer to behaviors that:
- Are clearly beyond the child’s developmental stage (for example, a three-year-old attempting to kiss an adult’s genitals)
- Involve threats, force, or aggression
- Cause pain or harm to sexual body parts
- Involve children of widely different ages or abilities (for example, a 12-year-old “playing doctor” with a four-year-old)
- Create strong emotional reactions in a child, such as anger or anxiety
- Get in the way of typical childhood interests and activities
Why do children have problematic sexual behaviors?
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Children try to make sense out of confusing or scary things they see. They might mimic what they saw or act it out with others to see how they respond.
Even if the violence was not sexual, children may engage in problematic sexual behaviors. They do this to feel better because they don’t know how to cope with their feelings.
After sexual abuse, children may have problematic sexual behaviors. They might not be able to stop having thoughts about what happened. They might try to make sense of what happened to them by doing it to others.
Impulsive children often act without thinking. They may break many types of rules. They might touch someone’s private parts, show their own private parts, or repeat sexual words without thinking about what they’re doing.
Some children have trouble making friends with children their own age. They may find it easier to be friends with younger children. As they enter puberty or after hearing or seeing sexual content in music or movies, they may become curious. They might act out with their younger friends.
Many children learn to to touch their own private parts at a young age. They might accidentally find that rubbing their private parts feels good. When children don’t have other coping skills for scary or upset feelings, they may spend more time touching their private parts.
Most caregivers have big responses to sexual behaviors. Big responses can be rewarding for kids, even when it is anger or shock. They might try the sexual behavior again to see if they can get as big of a response.
They may get out of doing something they don’t want to do because they’re in trouble.
They may feel like they have more power or information than other children.
How to help
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Do not let your child be alone with other children. Keep supervision until they have NOT had any sexual behaviors for at least 3 months.
Have age-appropriate books about bodies and sex to read with your child or for them to read when they want. This actually reduces sexual behaviors by giving children a safe place to explore.
Remember, your child already knows more than you wish they did. It is not helpful to pretend they don’t or to wish they could forget.
Practice communication skills with your child. Spend time together having fun. This will help your child feel more comfortable talking to you about their feelings and needs. It will improve your relationship and create more trust and openness.
Have activities your child can do instead of sexual behaviors. Help them do these activities when they feel overwhelmed, overactive, or whatever feeling usually comes before sexual behaviors.
Review the body safety rules each day. Have a reward for following the rules each day. Have clear & immediate consequences for breaking the rules.
- NO touching other people’s private parts.
- NO looking at other people’s private parts.
- NO other people touching your private parts.
- NO showing your private parts to other people. (Keep your clothes on.)
- Touching your own private parts when you are alone is OK.
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